Saturday, January 1, 2011

That Damn Apple Pie

Isn't it always somethin'? One day you're flying high, having had a great performance to a sold-out crowd in your autobiographical one woman show, CBC wants to interview ya, someone wants to do a documentary on ya, an American company wants to publish your memoir after only one submission, then 24 hours later everything changes and not for the better. One moment you feel like it's all come together just as you had hoped it would and wham, nothin' is coming together no mo'!
I believe in the 'one step at a time' theory. Be happy for that step. Be happy for what happened at that moment. Do your best. That's all you can hope for. Don't count your chickens before they hatch. That glass ain't half full. It's just a glass with water in it. If you're thirsty, take a sip.
Just putting it out there into the universe doesn't cut it anymore, but staying in the moment and really appreciating that moment does.
Trouble is, that moment passes. That's why they call it 'a moment'.
Then ya get another moment. A new moment.
It might not be a pleasant one, but heck, it's another piece of that pie.
Another piece of that damn huge honking apple pie we call LIFE.
I like apple pie personally... as long as the pieces of apple are very soft and easy to digest.

Speed Dating For The Bisexual in You!

Just when you thought you had come to terms with your sexuality…
Just when your parents finally agreed to stop calling your lover of 5 years, your ‘special friend,’ …
Just when you figured out all the words to the acronym LGBTQ …
Now ladies and gentlemen and trans alike, you may abandon all of your almost accomplished pieces of mind, SSRI's, and expensive therapy sessions that OHIP doesn’t cover, by addressing that hidden part of yourself, the part that pleases not only your parents but the rest of society with your lack of commitment to either sexual side.
It’s time to attend the new and refreshing Toronto Bisexual Speed Dating Event. There's no cover charge but any donations are accepted with a smile. Proceeds go to ‘Good For Her’ on Harbord to invest in better vibrators.
Here's all you have to do.
Show up at our clandestine location (so secret that we can't share the address), showered and shaved, and give each person you're sitting across, your undivided attention for 3 whole minutes. I know that’s asking a lot. Be prepared to talk AT them, and occasionally maybe even listen to the other person for a change. It will feel like an eternity but remember that your attention span is not what it was. When the 3 minutes are up, you change partners and do it all over again and again and again until there's no one left to talk to. Just think of it. You might find the person of your dreams OR you just might realize that no one can meet your expectations and you'll rot your life away living with your parents or in a government subsidized bachelor apartment. Worst-case scenario…you just might finally admit to yourself that you're GAY and not bi after all. No more fence-sitting allowed.
Light beverages will be served and perhaps some day-old pastries but again, that’s only a maybe and only if the Food Bank is open that day. Hope to see you all there. Early registration required. Seats, self-esteem and sanity limited.

Marla does "Funny Girl" in 3 minutes on CBC Radio