MARLA'S PASSOVER of 2010
March 29, 2010
Passover is coming and so are the four questions.
#1 Why do we get together once a year with people we don't really like?
#2 Why do we eat foods that are not mentioned in the bible and they only leave us with constipation?
#3) Why isn't it mandatory to drink 12 glasses of sweet wine (the kind that will give you diabetes if you don't have it already) during din to help us cope?
#4) Why do we read the Haggadah, written by white sexist, homophobic men who never heard of a razor and must have been on a few hits of acid when they came up with this stuff?
BONUS QUESTION:
#5) How soon can we get a colonic appointment... to clean us out? Not soon enough. Stayed tuned for Marla's Ten Plagues. It’s a doozy!
MARLA'S TEN PLAGUES
1.
(Turn water to blood)
Turn all water to lemon flavored Gatorade.
Our electrolytes will be more balanced,
even though it tastes funky.
2.
(Frogs everywhere)
Moths everywhere and they only eat banana republic clothing.
That makes the gap manufacturers head office very very happy in ever so conveniently located Malaysia.
3.
(Lice everywhere)
Bed bugs that only embed themselves into Sleep Country mattresses. That should stop those annoying radio commercials and make them stand by their guarantee of returns...the one they didn’t honor with me.
4.
(Flies swarming)
Bernie Madoff swarms to freedom, gets released based on good behavior as he offered his inmates and guards a deal of guaranteed prosperity, then clones himself and takes over all the money left over in the reserves of the country and swindles them all over again so that free health care will be impossible not that it was gonna really happen anyway, lets face it folks.
Talk about a plague!
5.
(Livestock diseased)
Livestock of all shapes and sizes will become ambulatory, strong and powerful and hold exhibits of human zoos and human races at woodbine, one big race in particular called the pink plate, instead of the queen’s plate. Win, place or showww.
6.
(Boils)
The supplier of Botox goes bankrupt and there's no mo Botox available for anyone, rich or poor. Talk about true tragedy. All those people who you thought didn’t have much emotion just weren’t able to show their emotions by frowning or smiling. Now they are showing it all and the creases are incredible. Talk about making up for lost time frowning, smiling, and wrinkling away.
7.
(Hail)
Vancouver weather shall inherit the earth and at the same time
there will be no antidepressants available to help people cope
with the gloom and s.a.d. effects. I'd rather have hail.
8.
(Locusts)
Reeses Pieces shall cover the entire earth so that nothing
can grow except you and your body.
9.
(Darkness)
And I will shall you light and sunshine 24/7 so that way it will be hard for everyone to fall asleep and it wont be just me anymore.
10.
(Death to the first born)
Death to the meter maids just as they are about to write off the last digit of anyone’s license plates. We can park anywhere in Toronto the city of no parking OR death to the middle born who keeps the peace for all families so there is no havoc, no chaos, and what will be left will be such dysfunction that the adoption rate will skyrocket.
Disclaimer: Any names,companies,places, or subject matters mentioned in this piece are not based on fact and was written for satirical purposes only.
#1 Why do we get together once a year with people we don't really like?
#2 Why do we eat foods that are not mentioned in the bible and they only leave us with constipation?
#3) Why isn't it mandatory to drink 12 glasses of sweet wine (the kind that will give you diabetes if you don't have it already) during din to help us cope?
#4) Why do we read the Haggadah, written by white sexist, homophobic men who never heard of a razor and must have been on a few hits of acid when they came up with this stuff?
BONUS QUESTION:
#5) How soon can we get a colonic appointment... to clean us out? Not soon enough. Stayed tuned for Marla's Ten Plagues. It’s a doozy!
MARLA'S TEN PLAGUES
1.
(Turn water to blood)
Turn all water to lemon flavored Gatorade.
Our electrolytes will be more balanced,
even though it tastes funky.
2.
(Frogs everywhere)
Moths everywhere and they only eat banana republic clothing.
That makes the gap manufacturers head office very very happy in ever so conveniently located Malaysia.
3.
(Lice everywhere)
Bed bugs that only embed themselves into Sleep Country mattresses. That should stop those annoying radio commercials and make them stand by their guarantee of returns...the one they didn’t honor with me.
4.
(Flies swarming)
Bernie Madoff swarms to freedom, gets released based on good behavior as he offered his inmates and guards a deal of guaranteed prosperity, then clones himself and takes over all the money left over in the reserves of the country and swindles them all over again so that free health care will be impossible not that it was gonna really happen anyway, lets face it folks.
Talk about a plague!
5.
(Livestock diseased)
Livestock of all shapes and sizes will become ambulatory, strong and powerful and hold exhibits of human zoos and human races at woodbine, one big race in particular called the pink plate, instead of the queen’s plate. Win, place or showww.
6.
(Boils)
The supplier of Botox goes bankrupt and there's no mo Botox available for anyone, rich or poor. Talk about true tragedy. All those people who you thought didn’t have much emotion just weren’t able to show their emotions by frowning or smiling. Now they are showing it all and the creases are incredible. Talk about making up for lost time frowning, smiling, and wrinkling away.
7.
(Hail)
Vancouver weather shall inherit the earth and at the same time
there will be no antidepressants available to help people cope
with the gloom and s.a.d. effects. I'd rather have hail.
8.
(Locusts)
Reeses Pieces shall cover the entire earth so that nothing
can grow except you and your body.
9.
(Darkness)
And I will shall you light and sunshine 24/7 so that way it will be hard for everyone to fall asleep and it wont be just me anymore.
10.
(Death to the first born)
Death to the meter maids just as they are about to write off the last digit of anyone’s license plates. We can park anywhere in Toronto the city of no parking OR death to the middle born who keeps the peace for all families so there is no havoc, no chaos, and what will be left will be such dysfunction that the adoption rate will skyrocket.
Disclaimer: Any names,companies,places, or subject matters mentioned in this piece are not based on fact and was written for satirical purposes only.
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